A Problem on the Plane AKA Colette is Perfect
by GoldenGirl
Summary: There is a problem on board the Clipper Majestic Maggie needs to find help quick! Will the crew be able to help? This is a crack!fic. Or a parody, if you will. I write it lovingly :


"Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached the midway point of our trip to Guadalajara," Maggie said into the intercom phone. She stood at the front of first class and smiled brightly at the passengers, who all watched her and smiled too. "So please enjoy the rest of your flight, and remain calm."

She placed the phone back on its handle and was getting ready to head back behind the curtain, but a man seated 3 rows away from her said, "_Remain calm_? Why do we need to remain calm?"

"Oh it's nothing. It's just…" Maggie wasn't sure how to put it, but she sure as hell couldn't tell the passengers the truth: that Laura had trapped herself in the bathroom half an hour ago and still couldn't figure her way out. If the passengers knew that a Pan Am stewardess was in such dire constraints all hell might break lose. She had to come up with a lie, and quick.

"The engines are burning," Maggie blurted out.

A collective gasp erupted amongst the people. Some of the women fainted in their seats. It was at this point that Maggie realized her imagination was too awesome, and maybe she'd gone too far in constructing the perfect lie.

"Did I say the engines are burning?" she said with a laugh. "I meant we're out of liquor!"

Another gasp rang out, and this time some of the men fainted.

_Oh, whatever!_ Maggie thought. She was done trying to coddle the passengers. She had bigger problems on her hands.

Maggie stepped behind the curtain and pulled it closed behind her. "How is she doing?" she asked Ted, who was crouched outside the bathroom door, trying to feed Laura directions on what to do.

"Nothing seems to be working," he said. He turned back to the door and placed his hand on it gently. "Laura?" he said. "You're not like other girls, remember? You are beautiful and pretty and gorgeous. And you know what's at the top of that big, beautiful and pretty head of yours? The most amazing head of hair I've ever seen. It's so shiny. I know you can use all your assets to get through this."

After a long moment Laura's voice came muffled through the door. "Are you saying I have a big head?"

Maggie rolled her eyes. "Are we sure she hasn't hit her head?"

Ted shrugged and stood upright. Maggie pushed him out of the way. "Laura? It's me, Maggie."

"Maggie!" Laura said, excited.

"Can you tell me who the president is?"

"Of course. John F. Kennedy. I am a jelly donut!"

Ted laughed. "She's is adorable."

"Ok, Laura, good," Maggie said. "Now, how tall is he?"

"Um… I'm not sure."

"What colors eyes does he have?"

"Hmmm. Also not sure about that one."

Maggie's brow furrowed in growing worry. "Well what do you find sexiest about him?"

"Oh, I don't see him in that way," Laura said, matter-of-factly. "He's not my type."

Now the worry that Maggie had been feeling was being quickly replaced by incredulous anger. "What do you mean he's not your type? How is President Kennedy not your type? He's everyone's type!"

"Not mine."

"Well what would make him your type?"

"I don't know," Laura said. "….Maybe if he was less white?"

Maggie turned to Ted slowly. "She definitely hit her head," they said simultaneously.

Just then Kate flew past, out of breath and a crazed sort of worry in her eyes.

"Don't worry," Maggie said. "We're going to find a way to get her out."

"What?" Kate snapped.

"Hi Kate!" Laura's disembodied voice said cheerily.

Kate stared at the door agape, then back at Maggie.

"That's why you're worried, isn't it?" Maggie asked.

"No, of course not," Kate responded. "I need to know if you've seen a man carrying a red envelope."

"A red envelope?"

"Yes," Kate said. "It's very important that I find him."

"Oooh, Kate's got herself a little crush, does she?"

"Listen to me!" Kate said, gripping Maggie's tiny shoulders and shaking them. "I need to find that envelope! If I don't find it…. Very bad things could happen!"

"Jeez Kate, can you be more vague?"

"It's all I can tell you right now." With that, she ran off behind the curtain again.

Maggie couldn't start worrying about Kate's problems right now. She had her hands full with Laura. If only there was another Stewardess to help her….

"Colette!" she said aloud. "Colette's French! She'll know what to do! Ted, have you seen Colette anywhere?"

"I think I saw her go down to the cargo hold."

\\\

Maggie walked into the dark cargo hold, wondering why Colette would be down here. But she only wondered briefly, because if Colette was down here there must've been a good reason. After all, Colette was perfect. And if there was anyone who could help get Laura out of the bathroom, it was her.

Maggie let her hands sweep the luggage as she made her way down the aisle, trying to listen for signs of life anywhere. Soon, she began to hear something. At first it simply sounded like soft thudding, as if someone was stacking suitcases, or just pushing them against each other. Rhythmically. And then there were sounds that were more human: throaty sounds, labored breathing… moaning. Maggie recognized the nature of the sounds instantly. It could only be one thing.

"Colette?" Maggie called out into the darkness, "Are you exercising?"

The noise abruptly stopped, and all was quiet as Maggie strained to listen for a response. Then she heard some rushed rustling and curt whispering and after a moment Colette appeared in the aisle, the suitcases almost seeming to part to accommodate her perfect form. She ran her fingers through her uncharacteristically messy hair with one hand and patted down the front of her blouse with the other.

"Maggie," she said, out of breath. "What are you doing here?"

"I could ask you the same thing," Maggie said, her big saucer eyes narrowing as she took in the sight of the perfect Parisian. "You were exercising down here?"

Colette took a moment to finish catching her breath. She looked down at her clothes and did the button that she'd missed at the top of her blouse. "I suppose you may call it that."

"Colette, we have a problem. Laura is stuck in the bathroom."

"What do you mean, _stuck_? Is the door broken?"

"No. She can't figure out the lock."

"Did you try telling her to turn the lever left?"

"Of course we told her that. But she keeps mixing up her lefts and rights."

"Hmm. Tell her to turn it in the direction of the hand she writes with. She is a lefty."

A slow grin spread on Maggie's face. "Colette you're a genius!"

Colette smiled that adorable twinkle-eyed smile of hers and nodded. "Merci."

And then someone sneezed. Maggie and Colette froze. "Did you hear something?" Maggie whispered.

"I heard nothing," Colette answered. "Perhaps it was your overactive imagination playing tricks with you."

Another sneeze. Maggie followed the source of the noise, walking around a particularly tall wall of stacked luggage until she nearly stumbled over Dean, who was sitting on the floor wearing nothing but a pair of boxer shorts patterned with tiny blue airplanes.

"Maggie!" he said. "Hi. It's really rather cold down here, isn't it?"

"Yes," Maggie replied. "Especially if you're down here in your underwear."

"Oh… right… well… I was doing… pilot things. Checking the gears… breaks. You understand…Colette was just helping me with my… cockpit."

Maggie turned to stare at Colette, who had taken to looking upward, probably wondering if she was the only smart person aboard the Clipper Majestic.

"Damnit," Dean muttered. "I said the wrong thing, didn't I?"

"Yes Captain," Colette sighed. "You said the wrong thing."

"You two were down here having sex!" Maggie gasped. "Colette I had no idea!"

Colette shrugged. "Well, I _do_ have experience in a cockpit."

"It's true," Dean said, grinning. "_nous sommes…sleeping together."_

Just then, Kate rushed in between Colette and Maggie, out of breath, her Pan Am hat askew.

"Oh don't tell me you're sleeping with Dean too," Maggie said.

"What?" Kate snapped. "No. Look, have any of you seen a man with a red envelope? It is imperative that I find him! He should have an eye patch and a Russian accent."

"Nope."

"No."

"Still no."

Kate huffed and then hurried off as quickly as she'd come.

"What is the matter with her?" Maggie whispered conspiratorially to Colette. "It's almost as if she's a terrible spy or something."

"She is."

"What?"

"Kate is a spy," Colette said matter-of-factly. "She is always off on missions. I thought it was obvious."

"Oh. Well that makes sense I guess."

"That's my Colette," Dean said proudly. "So perceptive and smart."

"Well, darling, one of us has to be."

"Wait," Maggie said. "If you're down here, and Ted's with Laura, then who's flying the plane?"

The smile on Dean's face slowly disappeared. "Oh shi-


End file.
